Whatever you achieve (or don’t) is significantly affected by everyone you associate with on a regular basis.
Just as it takes a village to raise a child, I’m convinced it takes a supportive community to raise your income.
If the people around you are going to frown upon your success, if there’s a chance they’ll reject you, it’s way too easy to throw in the towel. Why risk abandonment when you’ve got so much support for just staying put?
It’s a well known fact: “You become who you’re with.”
Whenever you decide to do something different — whether it’s making money or losing weight—the desired result always lies just outside your Comfort Zone.
The only way you’ll succeed is by stretching beyond what feels comfortable to what may seem impossible.
The stretch carries with it this strict stipulation: Feel the fear, endure the discomfort, observe the resistance, and go for it anyway.
From this day forward, find ways to stretch on a regular basis.
The stretch is not about eliminating fear. It’s about acting in spite of it. You are training yourself to surpass former limitations.
Financial achievement is often preceded by a financial challenge. Problems have a purpose. They’re trying to get our attention.
The place to begin is admitting what’s not working in your life. It could be anything from bankruptcy or burn out; from feeling undervalued or overworked; from getting a divorce, or desperately wanting one.
No matter how subtle, how small, or how sizable and scary, your willingness to face the problem head on the first step to breaking through it.
Facing a problem means looking it straight in the eye, even if you haven’t a clue what to do about it…especially if you haven’t a clue. Face it without shame blame or judgment. Face it even without a solution in sight.
We all have our internal critics. The ones that tell us what we can’t possibly do.
Those voices may never shut up.
But just because you hear voices in your head, doesn’t mean you have to follow them.
As Vincent Van Gogh once said: “If you hear a voice within you say ‘you can not paint,’ by all means paint and the voice will be silenced.”
Indeed, keep reminding yourself: “that’s not my voice.” It’s the voice of a parent, the culture, teachers, friends, something ‘out there.’ But it isn’t mine.
The number one requirement for financial success (or success in anything for that matter) is simply this: You’ve got to be willing to be uncomfortable.
Anxiety, fear, worry, nervousness, resistance…all these are normal reactions to new situations.
Fear does not mean something’s wrong. Fear just means that you’re doing something different. And doing it differently is exactly what’s required to go to the next level.
So if its financial success you want, start looking for ways to be uncomfortable.
She sat across the table, looking every bit the savvy businesswoman that she was.
As we chatted over kale salads, she told me how her company, not yet two years old, was growing exponentially.
Then she lowered her voice and leaned in close. “There’s something I need to talk about. I’ve never shared this with anyone.”
“What is it?” I asked, also leaning forward, our foreheads almost touching. I could tell this was difficult for her.
“I’m afraid of success. I can already see little ways I’m holding myself back.”
“Tell me what you’re scared of.”
“I’m afraid people won’t like me,” she began slowly, then quickly added, “I’m afraid people will want more of me than I can give them. I’m so busy now, I’m afraid I’ll have no time for myself. I’m scared it will all be too much.”
“You’re not afraid of success,” I responded. “You’re afraid of power. There’s a definite difference.”
I share this conversation with you because I believe it reveals a critical distinction that we women need to understand. Let me explain.
I truly believe the best way for women to create wealth is by working with financial professionals. But, according to the Wall Street Journal, “fewer than one in five women currently has an advisor.”
Why? Because women can’t find anyone who understands them.
Advisors are talking to women just like they do men. Big mistake. True, money knows no gender. Women, however, are very different from men. Yet the financial world is based on the male model of communication.
Here are 5 powerful insights into how women think:
1) Women are all about relationships. Women are ‘other’ oriented; men are transaction oriented. Women communicate to create relationships and make connections. Men communicate to obtain information, establish status, and show independence. These are 2 very different conversations. The message women want to hear: “I care about you. I understand you. I’m here to support you.” How? Ask lots of questions about her goals, dreams, time frames, life style, opinions, her life in general. Listen more than talk. Find out what she needs, not what you think she needs.
2) Women can be very emotional when it comes to money. But in the financial world, conversations about emotions are considered taboo, too touchy-feely, not part of the financial planning process. Really big mistake. You don’t need a degree in psychology. But you do need to invite her to discuss her fears, her beliefs and her family’s attitudes toward money. Often by simply listening her issues, addressing her qualms while explaining her options can be enough to get her past her emotional blocks.
3) Women want to be educated. Men like to learn through trial and error. Women like to be taught. In a study by Deloitte Touche, 90% of the women expected their financial advisor to educate them. They even rated service, advice and education far ahead of performance. What’s one of the best ways to educate women? Seminars. Why? According to an Emory University study, “the pleasure and reward centers of their brain light up if they can work towards their financial goals in a cooperative way with other women.”
4) Women define success differently than men. Men define success as being in control; women as how well they can help others. The financial media, and the industry itself, seem to believe that scary statistics, alarming statements, and worse case scenarios will actually motivate women. But clearly fear tactics haven’t worked. Instead, talk to her about how investing allows her to experience the joys of philanthropy, the thrill of leaving a legacy, the satisfaction of helping people she loves and causes she’s passionate about.
5) Women clients tend to be more time consuming, especially at the beginning. Women expect more service, ask more questions. But she’ll be your client for life if she knows you are there for her, as her partner, a part of her team, an advisor she can trust. In my 1st appointment with Eileen, my long time advisor, she told me: “My job is to see your needs are met. It’ll take time but I need to find about your goals and level of risk.” And she did. Then she gave me choices. “I see myself in partnership with you. Here are your choices. Let’s discuss each of them and figure out what is best for you.”
I participated in a tele-seminar discussing these very points at length. I believe you’ll find it exciting and informative. Click here to listen.
I just finished my latest book. Hard to believe it’s my 7th especially when I think about my early attempts to write my first book. I was so excited to start. Then I read what I wrote. It was awful. I mean truly terrible. I tore up the pages, feeling defeated.
My yearning to write led me back to the computer time after time, only to repeat the pattern yet again. This went on for months. I’d rip up whatever I wrote in disgust and walked away in frustration.
Still, I longed to write. The book kept calling. But obviously, I had neither skill nor talent to do so.
Then one day, while walking down a bustling San Francisco sidewalk during rush hour, I overheard two people chatting behind me.
He: I’m so frustrated trying to write this book.
She: Why?
He: I just don’t have the time! It’s a hell of lot of work.
She: I know! Everyone wants to write a book. But no one’s got the time. And that’s really what it takes—putting your tush in the chair until you’re done.
That stranger on the street could have been talking directly to me. I took her words to heart and made a decision on the spot. I would put my tush in the chair every day and write until the book was finished. That moment of eavesdropping changed me from a person who wanted to write a book to an official author.
20 years have passed and I’ve learned a few more things about finishing a book. Let me share my 7 Secrets to Putting (and Keeping) Your Tush in the Seat.
1. Take the Weight Watchers approach: Have someone hold you accountable. For my first book, I teamed up with a colleague. I’d write. She’d edit. We checked in weekly to stay on target. Those check-ins were invaluable. Ever since then, when I start a book, I find a friend for regular check-ins. There’s nothing like an accountability partner to keep you on track.
2. Kick Perfectionism out the door. Write shit. Then clean it up. It took me three books to finally accept this notion. I thought a bad first draft meant I’m a terrible writer. Not so. The purpose of the first go-rounds are merely to get your ideas down on paper. The quicker you can spread out all the ingredients on the table, the sooner you’ll whip them into an often surprisingly delicious stew.
3. Don’t wait until you’re inspired. William Faulkner once said, “I only write when I am inspired. Fortunately I am inspired at 9 o’clock every morning.” I’d make myself sit at the computer even if many mornings, I’d just stare out the window, or retype one paragraph over and over again. I kept my tush in the seat, regardless of my progress. And once I figured out it didn’t have to be perfect, the writing became easier.
4. Hold tight to a grander vision. I approach each and every book as if it’s part of a Grand Plan; as if I’m supposed to write it; as if there’s one person who really needs to hear what only I have to say; as if, to quote Mother Teresa, I am a pencil in God’s hand, doing what I have been assigned to do. Seeing the task as greater than me helps dissolve my debilitating fear.
5. Make it a priority. There’s always time to do what’s important. The key: I had to make the book an important priority, not just hold it as wistful fantasy, a “someday I will” sort-of-thing. Writing had to take precedence over the myriad of other items on my to-do list. When the book became as important as spending time with my kids, even more important than working out or getting massages, the momentum shifted and the writing took precedence.
6. Trust your desires. I had a poster in my office with the words of Richard Bach: “You’re never given a dream without also being given the power to make it come true …sometimes, however, you have to work at it.” I had a dream of writing a book, even though I’d never written anything up to that point. But the desire wouldn’t go away. Dreams do that. They keep nagging at you—and either you make it a priority and work like hell, or allow it to fade away.
7. Put your tush in the chair, in front of the computer, every day and write! Even if it’s only 10 minutes. Even, no especially, if what you write is awful! Get up extra early if you have to. You’ll be amazed what a difference a few months will make.
I believe our dreams and desires are messages from our Soul, urging us to go where we fear, because that’s how we grow!
The Bag Lady Syndrome is alive and well. In the latest Allianz Women, Money, and Power Study (2013), almost half the women polled are scared of becoming a bag lady –even those earning more than $200,000 per year. Why do so many bright, capable, and…yes…successful women continue to struggle with financial insecurity? Why do you?
The answer, I believe, has nothing to do with money…and everything to do with our fear of (or ambivalence about) power.
Phyllis Chesler wrote in her groundbreaking book, Women, Money, and Power: “Money is a power sacred to most men and foreign to most women.” These words written over 30 years ago, still hold true today.
The problem, as I see it, is this: We’ve never been taught the secret wisdom of creating wealth and exercising power, as women. Studies reveal that the sexes view money and power through very different lenses.
Generally speaking, a man’s self-esteem comes from his achievements; power itself is the ultimate goal. A woman derives self esteem from relationships; power is a means to an end.
So while men covet the cachet of the corner office, women crave the opportunity to help others, grow personally, and live authentically.
The word ‘power,’ which comes from the Latin word, potere (‘to be able’) means the “ability to act or produce an effect.” The definition applies to both genders.
But as it relates to women, I much prefer to define power using the words of psychologist Eric Fromm: “The main task in life is to give birth to our self to become what we actually are.”
When you view power from that perspective, you begin to understand our resistance more clearly. Essentially, our fear of power is our fear of becoming who we really are, doing what we were put here to do, in the biggest way possible.
This fear keeps us settling for less instead of asking for more, shrinking to fit rather than playing full out, clinging to safety to avoid taking the leap.
This is precisely the reason I developed my new body of work, Sacred Success®. Rather than pushing women to pursue power in traditional fashion, Sacred Success® seeks to redefine power from a feminine perspective.
I’ll be exploring this whole issue of women and power in future blogs. Meanwhile, I’d love your feedback: How would you redefine power? Or would you?
“Want to make God laugh? Tell Her your plans”–anonymous
There are no accidents, right? Yesterday, I had the same conversation with 3 different people within 24 hours.
They all had a common theme: the absurdity of arbitrary deadlines.
The first was with a friend freaking out over a speech he had to write for Toastmasters. This happened every time he tried to write one. It was making his life miserable. But he refused to quit because, he declared, “I promised myself I’d stick it out for a full year.”
The second was with another friend also freaking out over a coaching program she was dying to do but couldn’t afford. She insisted she had to do it now. “If I don’t figure out this year what I’m really supposed to be doing,” she exclaimed, “I know I’ll never do it.” Did I mention she is 29 years old?
The third was with a first-time writer who’d given herself a year to complete a novel. The date was fast approaching but health problems kept interfering. Instead of cutting herself some slack, she sank into depression. “I feel like a failure,” she kept saying.
In their words, I saw the self inflicted craziness of my own making.
A while back, I gave myself a similar directive —finish my book proposal by the end of the year. Two years later, it’s nowhere close to completion. I’ve been beating myself up—unmercifully—ever since.
(Warning: Self flagellation does not further the creative process!)
Don’t get me wrong. Deadlines are a useful tool to keep us on track.
The trouble comes when we don’t meet them. Rather than rethinking the timing, we tenaciously cling to our commitment or brutally reproach ourselves for screwing up.
What if I started seeing things differently? Perhaps there’s a reason I’ve not finished my proposal. Perhaps the timing will turn out to be perfect. Only in hind sight can I possibly know what’s actually in my own best interest.
As today’s Abraham Hicks quote reminded me (no accident again!), “Life is supposed to be fun…If you are doing it for any other reason, then you are not connecting to your Source Energy.”
There and then, I made a decision.
From now on, if I’m feeling stuck, if doors stay closed, if nothing flows freely and it ceases to be fun, I’m viewing these as indicators that it’s time to surrender rather than doggedly pursuing a rigid decision.
It all boils down to this: Would I rather live with the tranquility of trusting a Higher Source or tolerate the stress of self-imposed pressure? Duh!!!
