Fear & Resistance: Cracking the Code

Written by Barbara Huson

I did it! I actually did it! I showed My Man my financials…and he did the same.

And you know the biggest lesson I learned (yet again) from all this? The fear of doing is always worse than the actual doing! Now, in hindsight, I wonder, “what the hell was the big deal anyway??”

The second biggest lesson: resistance wanes the closer you get to the root of it. The moment I realized it was my childhood fear of feeling different and not being accepted, those old demons didn’t seem nearly so threatening.

So here’s what happened:

We were sitting around the kitchen table. He had just made me eggs. (Gotta love a man who cooks!!) I showed him the recent blog about my old journal and my epiphany. (My Man…My Money…and Me)

He read it thoughtfully, then looked up at me and said, ever so gently: “I totally understand.”

Without even thinking, I walked to the stack of mail on the kitchen counter and tore open an over-sized envelope. How perfect that my August financial statements had just arrived the day before. I pushed aside the dishes, spread out the papers, and said, “This is what I have.”

He listened, asked a few questions, and told me he was proud of the way I managed my money, especially given my history. Then, he described what he had in each of his accounts, I asked a few questions, and praised him for being so responsible.

I got up, washed the dishes, and we took a walk. That was it. It was a non-event.

But at the same time, it was clearly a turning point. We each realized, without saying a word, we’d taken our relationship to a new level of intimacy and trust. And it felt really good!

Sharing Financial Statements… Sort Of!

Written by Barbara Huson

I sent him my blog the moment it was posted… the one about sharing our financial statements before he moves in. I made him read it while still on the phone. I was nervous for his reaction. After all, I was putting him, and our relationship, in the (kind of) public eye. His response was typical of a man with high self esteem.

“This is great,” he said and meant it.

“So,“ I said taking a deep breath, “Do you want to have The Talk?”

“Sure,” he replied without hesitation. “Let’s do it this weekend.”

Two weekends later, we still haven’t “Talked.” My Man and I are extremely close. We discuss everything, unabashedly. Yet when it comes to money, we keep tip-toeing around the topic.

What we’ve done is have a tepid conversation sprinkled with some tiny revelations. I threw out a vague number about how much I’m worth. He did the same. I mentioned something about diversifying my assets, but being heavy in cash. He, in turn, shared his disciplined approach to making retirement contributions. He even said he’s looking forward to seeing how I’ve invested. But we’ve both been reluctant to reveal specifics. I consider the conversation we had a good starter step. But why haven’t we ‘gone all the way?’

Truthfully, I’m mystified by my avoidance. All I have to do is take my latest financial statement out of the folder, hand it to him, and say “Here it is. Let’s talk,” and there’s no doubt in my mind, he’d do the same, in a heartbeat. But I haven’t.

Reminds me of the letter to Ann Landers from a woman who wanted to ask her boyfriend to help pay for her birth control, but didn’t feel she knew him well enough to ask!

I laughed when I first read that. Sure, it’s scary for most people to talk money. But I never put myself in that category!!! I mean, for the last 12 years I’ve been writing about money, consistently telling women: “It’s our secrecy and silence that keeps us stuck.”

Now, here I am, doing the secrecy-and-silence-thing… and I’m truly shocked. Is it because he’s so resistant? Or is that my projection? Does our mutual reluctance come from our disparity in income? Or is there a lot of old baggage weighing each of us down?

I think it’s time to walk my talk! Stay tuned. As always, your insight and advice is welcomed.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

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The Continuing Saga of Sharing Financial Statements – Part I

Written by Barbara Huson

It’s been several weeks since I asked for advice on the ‘right’ time to share financial statements with my boyfriend. Well you gave it to me!! And as a result, I had three big “Aha’s.”

1^st Aha: Clearly this subject touched a nerve. I was astounded by how many of you responded— by email, on my site, and in Facebook.
2^nd Aha: I’m still amazed at my reticence. I sent my boyfriend the blog, which stimulated an interesting discussion… but we have yet to “go all the way” (by sharing our statements).
3^rd Aha: I’m noticing how easy (and apropos) it is to use sexual metaphors when describing money discussions between couples. Hmmmmm… perhaps the subject for another blog?

As for your responses…

First, deep thanks to all who replied!! It was beyond fabulous to realize how many of you could relate to my dilemma.

What I found most fascinating, however, was the vast range of comments. They were all across the board— from one extreme; (“Say nothing!” and “It’s not his concern”), to the other; (“Never hold back anything” and “If you can’t come from a place of profound honesty, you’re not ready to make the commitment”). Several of you suggested drawing up an agreement with our respective lawyers, kind of like a prenuptial for live-ins. And quite a few of you remarked that the conversation about sharing expenses was far more important than sharing financial statements.

Without a doubt, the overwhelming majority were in the “full disclosure” camp, warning me that intimacy requires openness.

My favorite came from author Manisha Thakor, whose new book (due out this December) is aptly titled: Get Financially Naked: How to Talk Money with Your Honey. You gotta’ love that title!!! And it’s hard to argue with her premise.

“If you’re willing to take your clothes off together one way,” Manisha wrote, “you should be prepared to take them off financially speaking as well.” (This gives a lot of credence to my 3^rd aha!)

Her advice: “Go for it. Do the thing that these days is even more intimate than sex — talk about money together. Get the pink elephant of money out into the center of the room and demystify it. Otherwise, like termites eating away at the foundation of your relationship, little nagging doubts or questions about each others finances could end up destroying what is currently a beautiful home life.”

I agree with every word she says. Yet, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t open up and spill the whole can of beans to my boyfriend. Nor could he. But we did take a few baby steps… and I’ll share some of them with you in my next post.

Maybe, by then, I’ll figure out why neither of us were willing to “go all the way” yet.

Barbara Stanny

The leading authority on women & money
[email protected]
www.barbarastanny.com

https://www.barbara-huson.com/inner-circle-join.html

Twitter Barbara at: http://twitter.com/barbarastanny