We all have our internal critics. The ones that tell us what we can’t possibly do.
Those voices may never shut up.
But just because you hear voices in your head, doesn’t mean you have to follow them.
As Vincent Van Gogh once said: “If you hear a voice within you say ‘you can not paint,’ by all means paint and the voice will be silenced.”
Indeed, keep reminding yourself: “that’s not my voice.” It’s the voice of a parent, the culture, teachers, friends, something ‘out there.’ But it isn’t mine.
She sat across the table, looking every bit the savvy businesswoman that she was.
As we chatted over kale salads, she told me how her company, not yet two years old, was growing exponentially.
Then she lowered her voice and leaned in close. “There’s something I need to talk about. I’ve never shared this with anyone.”
“What is it?” I asked, also leaning forward, our foreheads almost touching. I could tell this was difficult for her.
“I’m afraid of success. I can already see little ways I’m holding myself back.”
“Tell me what you’re scared of.”
“I’m afraid people won’t like me,” she began slowly, then quickly added, “I’m afraid people will want more of me than I can give them. I’m so busy now, I’m afraid I’ll have no time for myself. I’m scared it will all be too much.”
“You’re not afraid of success,” I responded. “You’re afraid of power. There’s a definite difference.”
I share this conversation with you because I believe it reveals a critical distinction that we women need to understand. Let me explain.
The Bag Lady Syndrome is alive and well. In the latest Allianz Women, Money, and Power Study (2013), almost half the women polled are scared of becoming a bag lady –even those earning more than $200,000 per year. Why do so many bright, capable, and…yes…successful women continue to struggle with financial insecurity? Why do you?
The answer, I believe, has nothing to do with money…and everything to do with our fear of (or ambivalence about) power.
Phyllis Chesler wrote in her groundbreaking book, Women, Money, and Power: “Money is a power sacred to most men and foreign to most women.” These words written over 30 years ago, still hold true today.
The problem, as I see it, is this: We’ve never been taught the secret wisdom of creating wealth and exercising power, as women. Studies reveal that the sexes view money and power through very different lenses.
Generally speaking, a man’s self-esteem comes from his achievements; power itself is the ultimate goal. A woman derives self esteem from relationships; power is a means to an end.
So while men covet the cachet of the corner office, women crave the opportunity to help others, grow personally, and live authentically.
The word ‘power,’ which comes from the Latin word, potere (‘to be able’) means the “ability to act or produce an effect.” The definition applies to both genders.
But as it relates to women, I much prefer to define power using the words of psychologist Eric Fromm: “The main task in life is to give birth to our self to become what we actually are.”
When you view power from that perspective, you begin to understand our resistance more clearly. Essentially, our fear of power is our fear of becoming who we really are, doing what we were put here to do, in the biggest way possible.
This fear keeps us settling for less instead of asking for more, shrinking to fit rather than playing full out, clinging to safety to avoid taking the leap.
This is precisely the reason I developed my new body of work, Sacred Success®. Rather than pushing women to pursue power in traditional fashion, Sacred Success® seeks to redefine power from a feminine perspective.
I’ll be exploring this whole issue of women and power in future blogs. Meanwhile, I’d love your feedback: How would you redefine power? Or would you?
“Want to make God laugh? Tell Her your plans”–anonymous
There are no accidents, right? Yesterday, I had the same conversation with 3 different people within 24 hours.
They all had a common theme: the absurdity of arbitrary deadlines.
The first was with a friend freaking out over a speech he had to write for Toastmasters. This happened every time he tried to write one. It was making his life miserable. But he refused to quit because, he declared, “I promised myself I’d stick it out for a full year.”
The second was with another friend also freaking out over a coaching program she was dying to do but couldn’t afford. She insisted she had to do it now. “If I don’t figure out this year what I’m really supposed to be doing,” she exclaimed, “I know I’ll never do it.” Did I mention she is 29 years old?
The third was with a first-time writer who’d given herself a year to complete a novel. The date was fast approaching but health problems kept interfering. Instead of cutting herself some slack, she sank into depression. “I feel like a failure,” she kept saying.
In their words, I saw the self inflicted craziness of my own making.
A while back, I gave myself a similar directive —finish my book proposal by the end of the year. Two years later, it’s nowhere close to completion. I’ve been beating myself up—unmercifully—ever since.
(Warning: Self flagellation does not further the creative process!)
Don’t get me wrong. Deadlines are a useful tool to keep us on track.
The trouble comes when we don’t meet them. Rather than rethinking the timing, we tenaciously cling to our commitment or brutally reproach ourselves for screwing up.
What if I started seeing things differently? Perhaps there’s a reason I’ve not finished my proposal. Perhaps the timing will turn out to be perfect. Only in hind sight can I possibly know what’s actually in my own best interest.
As today’s Abraham Hicks quote reminded me (no accident again!), “Life is supposed to be fun…If you are doing it for any other reason, then you are not connecting to your Source Energy.”
There and then, I made a decision.
From now on, if I’m feeling stuck, if doors stay closed, if nothing flows freely and it ceases to be fun, I’m viewing these as indicators that it’s time to surrender rather than doggedly pursuing a rigid decision.
It all boils down to this: Would I rather live with the tranquility of trusting a Higher Source or tolerate the stress of self-imposed pressure? Duh!!!
As a writer, I’ve been torn by conflicting goals. A big part of me wants everyone’s approval. Another part yearns to speak my truth. To me, the two have been mutually exclusive.
Ever since the 80’s, when I began writing a weekly column in the San Francisco Business Journal that was syndicated in over 30 large newspapers, I’ve always couched my unconventional views in acceptable verbiage.
Slowly, over time, I’ve been dipping my toes in the waters of transparency, outing myself a little bit at a time.
But, I finally did it! I swung the door open and stepped out of the closest…almost all the way! I wrote about Sacred Success® in the traditional media, on Forbes.com. (Women, Wealth, and Power: The Emerging Paradigm)
Sure, I’ve talked about Sacred Success® on my website, in my Money Monday Calls, and various social media.
But you’re my peeps. You’re safe. I’ve never discussed it in such a public forum, with a much larger audience, many I suspect to be very conservative.
The response has been overwhelming. The article has been shared more times online, generated more email, than anything I’ve ever written.
In the article, I describe The Feminine Face of Financial Success…how women today are playing a very different game than the world (read: men) models…a game I call Sacred Success®.
Men are very driven by profit, perks, and prestige. Not women. Once a woman is financially secure, she’s rarely motivated by money. What drives her is an added spiritual component, a deep commitment to a higher purpose—how she can achieve Greatness by helping others, while still being richly rewarded.
I suspect the few men who responded didn’t quite get the point. But the women…oh the women loved it. In exposing myself, I gave them permission to do the same!!
“It warms my heart to think about all the other women who, like me, want to make a difference while leading a healthy and wealthy life,” wrote one woman, echoing the sentiment of many.
If this idea warms your heart as well, if you desire to find other women who feel the same, I invite you to consider attending one of my Sacred Success® Retreats. I hold two retreats each year—one on the east coast and one on the west coast.
In this 4 day Retreat, I gather a small group of decidedly committed women, teach you the Feminine Formula for Financial Success and create a community that imbues each other with a deep sense of mission, a plan of action for wildly succeeding,and follow up support for at least a year.
It’s far more than a seminar. It’s a ground breaking paradigm shift. Will you join me?
Let me fill you in on what’s been happening since my last blog.
I’ve been practicing the principles of Sacred Success®. And let me tell you, it’s made a huge difference in my life.
Take for example, how my year began…with a nasty case of Pneumonia that wouldn’t respond to antibiotics.
I had just hired a highly skilled team. We set a series of deadlines….none of which I’d be able to meet.
BSS (Before Sacred Success®), I would’ve gone into a tizzy of ‘why me,’ bemoaning my bad luck, angry over the distractions, feeling like a looser
But instead of cursing the circumstances, I looked through the lens of Sacred Success®.
What I saw: it was time to Surrender. I knew Surrender was critical to Sacred Success®. But, hey, I already did it (see Sweet ? Surrender).
However, as I was learning, Surrender is not a one (or two) time event, but an ongoing occurrence.
Sacred Success® is an intricate dance of moving forward in Disciplined Action, then stepping back in Receptive Surrender. The signs indicating when to change steps are subtle at first. Clearly I wasn’t paying attention.
Pneumonia forced me to cancel everything. And, as Sacred Success® insists, I did so without judgment.
In Sacred Success®, nothing is ‘bad’ or ‘good’; ‘positive’ or ‘negative.’ Everything that happens is a source of information regarding our next step.
As I began mining the pneumonia for the message it had for me, I quickly stumbled on the Mother Lode.
“I’m actually enjoying doing what I never let myself do…stay in bed,” I wrote in my journal.
Here’s what was amazing. Even while bed ridden, I was still quite productive. I designed a new course, reworked copy on my website, had some fabulous conversations, attracted several amazing opportunities, took on new coaching clients. All in my pjs, punctuated with long periods of rest, happy as can be.
Then I realized what happened: As soon as I created my team, I slipped into busyness. It’s what I always do when I get focused.
Unconsciously, I’ve just assumed building a business meant crammed calendars, constant motion, lack of freedom, pressure to produce. No wonder, at some point, I always burned out…or lost interest.
But, I wondered, how do you play full out without going into over-drive?
My Pneumonia gave me another option and the permission to pursue it. The message: It’s ok to be still, to block out lots of unstructured time. It’s good for my creativity!
Guess what happened when I shared this finding with each member of my team, asking for their support in preserving my downtime? My health began to improve.
Believe me, it hasn’t been easy. Maintaining blank space goes against my very nature, like a shark whose internal sonar system won’t let it stop swimming.
But this time, I want to be productive from a state of rest and peace, not from intensity and frenzy.
I’ll keep you posted on how it’s working!
“In the 21st century, women will change the nature of power rather than power changing the nature of women.”
—Bell Abzug
The headline of a recent article in Bloomberg Business Week caught my eye: “ Is the Financial Crisis a Male Syndrome?”
“Could it be,“ the authors ask, “ that male domination of market finance results in excessive speculation and risk-taking at the expense of global stability?”
Ya think?? Clearly, the guys have been calling the shots. No surprise there.
What surprised me most—the co-authors were both men!
I was heartened to know there are a few enlightened men (including the Dali Lama) who are waking up to an obvious truth.
Excessive testosterone is running the world, which as these authors admit, leads to greater aggression and risk taking (ie. Global wars and financial crisis)
The solution? “Gender rebalancing.” With more women in power, the authors insist, we’d see enhanced risk management , less volatility, improved financial markets and better ambiance in the office.
No argument from me! But here’s what I want to know.
Who’s going to do the rebalancing? What’s it going to take to get more women in power?
I ask this question with a sense of urgency…but without a clear answer.
Face it, no one is going to do it for us. If we want a seat at the table, it’s our job to take it.
How? We can begin by having the conversation among ourselves. We can begin by becoming the change we want to see in the world. Call it a grassroots effort…a personal challenge.
What if each one of us starts by noticing where, in our own life, we are giving our power away and consciously strive to take it back? What if each one of us starts speaking up, making sure our voice is heard…and respected? What if every one of us asks for and offers to help each other in this endeavor?
I truly believe, if enough women step fully into their own power, we’d see a giant ripple effect on the global landscape.
What do you think?
Dear Occupy Wall Street protester,
I share your frustration. And I agree with your premise: economic inequality, Wall Street excess and corporate greed are appalling and unacceptable.
Might I make a suggestion? Maybe there’s a more potent way to produce change.
What if you took at least a portion of your fury and redirected it toward the only place real change can ever occur, the only place you truly have power…yourself.
What if you focused some of your energy into becoming part of the top 1% yourself…then change the system as an insider? In other words, become the change you want to make.
Don’t you ever wonder why the rich keep getting richer? Doesn’t it seem curious that no matter how bad the economy, there are still people prospering?
Admittedly luck plays a part. But based on my research, I found 2 other factors, just as important, and far more in our control.
When I studied women whose net worth grew substantially, I discovered they followed a 2 prong process–the Outer Work and the Inner Work of Wealth.
I’m not saying it’s easy…or without challenges. But from experience, I know it’s possible. As I learned firsthand, financial success is much more in our control that we realize.
Besides, what do you have to lose? I mean, it’s worth a try. Here’s what you do:
The Outer Work of Wealth—be vigilant in following the 4 Rules of Money
The Inner Work of Wealth—explore your attitudes, beliefs, decisions you’ve made about yourself and money that may be keeping you stuck in the 99%. I’ve got a ton of resources on my website.
Please, don’t stop the protests. But as Gloria Steinem put it: the revolution must start from within.
“There is no need to learn through pain” ~~A Course in Miracles
I wonder how many of you are craving some down time, a chance to step off the treadmill, but just can’t seem to swing it?
That’s where I was 2 years ago.
I remember saying to my guy, with a heavy sigh: “I wish I could take the next month off.”
“Why don’t you?” he responded.
I gasped! How could I possibly do that? I had all these “important” things to do!! Taking time off was unthinkable.
Then it hit me. I’d been interviewing women who made millions (my next goal) and saw something I never expected.
Right before these women soared, each one sank into a period of nothing happening, a time between, a void, often as a result of a crisis, like a devastating illness or painful loss.
These time-outs served an essential role in their eventual triumphs because they used them, as one woman put it, ‘to regroup and come back stronger.”
At that moment, I decided I wasn’t going to wait for a crisis. I could choose to step off the grid…by design, not default.
I invite you to do the same. Especially if you’ve had this nagging sense you need some down time.
I took 4 days off, going to a nearby hotel where I spent the entire time in self reflection. It was during this time I discovered Sacred Success®.
Believe me, I had no idea a whole new body of work was living inside me, waiting for me to slow down and tune in.
Maybe it’s time for you to slow down and tune in too. That’s why I created a Sacred Success® Retreat, as a way to give women a structured time out to go within.
If you can only take a day off, or even a few hours, that will work too. And you don’t need to go anywhere.
The whole idea is to eliminate distractions, do only what’s essential, connect with your inner wisdom and listen to what it has to say. (For more info, read my blog: The Beginner’s Guide to Surrender.)
You might be surprised with what you discover. If you’d like to share, I’m all ears!
Have the headlines got you spooked?
Let me introduce you to Stanny’s Law of a Lousy Economy. It goes like this: no matter how tough times are, there’ll always be people who are prospering. Why not you?
I discovered this law after I wrote Secrets of Six-Figure Women...at the height of the dot com boom. But when the bubble finally burst, I called each woman back to see how they were faring.
Even as the economy was tanking, many of their careers were thriving. They were finding new jobs, negotiating raises, winning promotions, doubling (even tripling) their client base, making more money than ever before.
“Just because it’s a down time,” said a woman whose coaching business was up 40 percent, “You don’t have to go down with it. There’s lots of opportunity. You’ve just got to find it.”
That’s not to say there weren’t those who suffered a job loss or saw lower profits. Yet even they were amazingly upbeat about their future.
I asked one woman how she felt when the hedge fund she managed collapsed. Her reply: “I regard it as a godsend. As long as the money was so good, it was tough to leave and look for something more challenging.”
These women viewed the slumping economy as the perfect chance to pin down new strategies, explore something different or position themselves for the inevitable recovery.
They never used bad times as an excuse not to stretch. Rather than buying into bad news, they concentrated on their value.
One high earner had just negotiated a very lucrative compensation package for a new job. When her boss balked at her terms, she refused to budge.
“I have a lot to contribute and the company needs to compensate me appropriately or I’ll go elsewhere,” she told him.
I see exactly the same thing happening today. While many (read: underearners) are focused on doors closing, high earners are finding windows of opportunity.
Here’s just one example. A woman who came to my Sacred Success® Retreat last May just sent me this email:
“I’ve increased my business income 3 ½ times since the retreat, compared to all of 2010. Most importantly, I am happy, peaceful and content. I feel calm, more comfortable in my own skin.”
Why not you too? While most of the world is focused on hard times, I invite all of you reading this blog to look for potential opportunities. They’re there. I promise!
